Words

Well then. When I decided one day that I was done, that I was no longer excited to bake for TWD, no longer excited to take pictures, no longer excited to blog, I didn't think it would just end. Kaput, one day full throttle, the next - nothing. That result shouldn't have surprised me. So much has happened in the last year and a half that keeping with this hobby was more than a little unrealistic.

You see, it's not just the things I wrote about - starting graduate school, moving halfway across the country, getting married. Every person is constantly evolving, and my evolution lately has just been a bit more... abrupt than I was expecting. And some of it dealt intimately with blogging, baking, the whole shebang.

For the three years previous to April 2010, I was in a nice little bubble. My life was regimented, and it made certain lifestyle choices easier. For instance, I put in more hours at work than many in my position, because I felt it would help with career advancement. (Obviously, I didn't stay long enough to find out if that was the case.) My free time was spent almost exclusively at the gym. The YMCA that I belonged to was stellar given that it was in a podunk town in the middle of Wisconsin. There were pools always open for lap swimming, treadmills, ellipticals, and fitness classes galore. And unlike the powder puff fitness classes here at UNC, these made you work. Your legs would tremble as you left a 60 minute class. I loved it. I was spending 1-2 hours each day doing intensive cardio, probably another hour of lifting each week, and I barely would take two days off each week. Beyond that, I had a ridiculously regimented eating schedule - measuring out my cereal each morning (1 1/2 cups of Kashi H2H), eating carrots (10, I counted every day), apples, and maybe a granola bar (Clif Kids, because they were only 110 calories) at lunch, and then having a bowl of grain + veg + egg or cheese for dinner every night. It never failed.

Can you imagine then that my body image was more than a little screwed up? I worried constantly about how flat my stomach was, whether my collarbones showed enough, if my inner thighs were getting flabby. It was, in a word, neurotic. I can't count the number of times on any given day that I would pinch my thighs or that I would run my hand over my stomach. If I didn't like what I felt, that just added some mileage onto that week.

You know what that regimented lifestyle can't handle though? The complete freedom that comes with graduate school. The time that needs to be scheduled by me, that isn't eaten up by the standard 8-5 job. And with that came problems. It turns out that by stocking the kitchen with enough for two people, I also had stocked it with binge materials. After three years of not giving myself a choice, the abundance made me go more than a little haywire. That actually took time, but in the year since, a lot has changed. I've stopped beating myself up over the occasional emotional / angry / boredom-induced eating that happens. Well, not stopped exactly, but it doesn't give me the feeling that I should figure out how people with bulimia teach themselves how to purge. I made it through a short bout of minor depression. My diet is more varied. And I've grown out of much of the clothing I had worn before. Having to purchase a new pair of jeans last April was hard. Harder than I ever thought. I was always proud of fitting into the jeans I had worn in high school - being the same size for 8 years is pretty impressive. But they didn't fit. And every time I would wash them and have to wiggle back into them, it became harder to justify.

Who would have thought that purchasing new clothes would be liberating? No longer was putting my jeans on a test of my willpower. It was just, well, putting my jeans on. No big deal. And shirts? Well, I didn't like things touching my stomach (unless it was concave / was a sixpack - yes, that was the case most of the time growing up). (And no, even J can't touch my stomach. I don't let him.) So I stopped buying close-fitting shirts and started wearing ones that were more comfortable, both for my body and my mind. And my weight? Well, it turns out that my body was just reallocating mass. I've gained maybe 3-4 lbs, and haven't budged on the scale in a year. But I'm not going to weigh myself regularly like I used to. Even though I know part of it is conversion of muscle to fat, it's much-needed fat. God, that's a hard thing to say.

I still have my weird quirks. I still feel my collarbone, I look for a hollow on my hands, I pinch my waist, I measure my wrists with my hands. But for the most part, I've become more at peace with how I look.

What's crazy is how this has spilled over into other parts of my life. I feel more attractive on a daily basis. I have more fun when eating out with friends. I don't worry about that second (or third) glass of wine. Actually, before this I probably wouldn't have even had one glass of wine. And it's removing one of my greatest fears about having children. Other than that whole "something that big is coming out of what? Um, NO." I never wanted to subject myself to something that would so completely mess up my body. Scars, stretch marks, and never-going-to-be-tight-again stomachs. Widened hips. Sagging boobs and butt. But now? Well, big deal. If we want children, those side effects will be nothing compared to the end result. And those side effects should never be the deciding factor when considering having kids.

What does this have to do with this blog, other than giving a reason for some of my neglect? Well, I still obsess too much over food. Despite knowing that I could always have that second cookie tomorrow, I must eat it today. You know, in case it wasn't there tomorrow. My brain still needs to rewire itself, become less driven by these sorts of things. So a few months ago, I purged my Google Reader of most of the food blogs I read. Now it's primarily design / wedding / lifestyle material, although I have a handful of food blogs I read for dinner inspiration. Soon after the RSS purge, I decided that I wouldn't bake things I didn't actually want to eat. TWD has been great, but I've made recipes that I know I won't like. No matter what, I will never like flan. Or creme brulee, most ice creams, anything with figs, and most of the intensely sugary recipes in the book. And yes, it breaks my heart that I was so close. After 3.5 years, I had four months left. I would be one of the few who had been there nearly from the start, faithfully baking and making each week's recipe. While that was one reason to stay with the group, it wasn't enough.

So I might blog again. Will it be here? I don't know. It might be baking, or more savory. It might not even be food related. I can't predict what will happen, especially since I've begun writing my master's thesis. I will finish at UNC after next semester, with our plan of going back to Wisconsin once it's all done. Beyond that, my life is pretty loose. I need to be more okay with that, because I truly feel that it will make me a better, more well adjusted person in the end.

I am keeping my Twitter active, and have been, so here it is for those who are interested: TWITTER

TWD: Cornmeal and Fruit Loaf

Here we are, over 3 years later, with me getting to pick for Tuesdays with Dorie again. And what do I do? Oh, the ways I screw up - let me count the ways! One, I again pick something cornmeal-based. Two, there's (again!) fruit in it. Three, I don't post until well into Tuesday, with more than a slight chance of not even posting on Tuesday. There are reasons, I promise - the start of classes, the gearing up of my fellowship, the re-invigorated pressure on publishing my research... Oh, and by some freak accident, my internet was out last night. And this morning. The luck, huh? I mean, we didn't lose internet this weekend when Irene skirted by us, but we lost it due to some randomness involving signal towers and messiness. I disapprove.

I don't, however, actually feel bad about the first two of the aforementioned screw-ups. I like cornmeal. Scratch that. I love cornmeal. And cornbread. And fruit in baked goods? I'm there too! Especially with the addition of freshly grated nutmeg and the re-shaping into twee little muffins. Oh, and the use of the fun little muffin liners my mom gave me for my birthday last month. That's a nice touch too. So I guess this was a good choice for me, especially because they were then re-purposed for J's breakfast this week. Given that he never remembers breakfast, that's a very good thing.

Also a good thing? Having multiple things to work on at once. After a summer that was so one-dimensional that I might have thrown a few fits along the way, the addition of coursework and reading and organizing seminars and such makes me happy. I'm even gearing back up to having people over, kicking off (quite spectacularly) with a regional party for the A Practical Wedding-sponsored Yay New York event. Any party revolving around doing good is worth having, and the addition of cake, champagne, amazing people, and lots of laughter? A million times yes. Especially after J decides to make a champagne flute tower, just because.

Cornmeal and Fruit Loaf

1 cup buttermilk
5 Tbsp butter, melted and cooled
2 large eggs
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup cornmeal
1/2 cup sugar
1 Tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
1 apple or pear, peeled, cored, and cut in small dice
1/2 cup dried apple or pear

Preheat oven to 375F. Butter a 9x5 loaf pan, dust the inside with flour, and tap out the excess. Put the pan on a baking sheet.

Whisk together the buttermilk, melted butter, and eggs.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt, making sure they're evenly combined. Switch to a large rubber spatula and stir in the wet ingredients, stirring just until everything is moistened -- as with muffins, less mixing is better than more. Gently stir in the fresh and dried fruit, and scrape the batter into the prepared pan.

Bake for about 1 hour, or until a thin knife inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean. Transfer the pan to a rack to cool for 10 minutes before running a knife around the sides of the pan and unmolding. Invert and cool right side up.

Last Week: Golden Brioche Loaves
Next Week: Chocolate Spice Quickies

TWD: Golden Brioche Loaves

 

The past two weeks have been. That's all I can really say about them. I'm exhausted, with the sort of bone-deep exhaustion that makes it difficult to get through the day sometimes. The time I spent last week in New York with family was purgative; it was dearly needed but incredibly difficult. It was made worse by the fact that August seems to have it out for too many people I know. But knowing there are others out there going through the same thing has, in a small way, made losing my grandmother tolerable. Not better, not easy, just tolerable - what more can you say when your last grandparent passes away? I keep getting that tickle in my sinuses that tells me that I could start tearing up at any moment, and keep shoving it down. I let it go when we were at the cemetery; somehow, that was the most joyful part of the entire week. We told stories, read poems, had a friend singing Ave Maria and a cousin playing his bagpipes. It was beautiful, and that little sinus tickle didn't go away all day.

Since then, I've been thrown headlong back into the beginning of the school year. UNC's campus is packed with people asking how to get to such-and-such building - you'd think after a year I'd be able to answer them, but I only know a small fraction of the different buildings on campus. I grin, shake my head, and tell them I'm a graduate student. They understand. I'm taking two classes this fall, leading the fellowship I was a part of last year, and TAing for one course. Busy busy.

As for Tuesdays with Dorie, we're getting close to the end - not too many recipes left to go, not many more weeks either. My commitment is still probably 90% there. I bake everything, but sometimes struggle to blog interestingly about any of it. The tropical crumble from last week? Well, while I could use the funeral as an excuse, I have to admit - I just didn't like it enough to share it. It was slimy in the way only baked bananas can be, it was too saccharine, and the crumble topping was too greasy and buttery. So thank goodness this week was brioche. We had made it a few years back for a couple of the other recipes, but I remember thinking it was just too buttery. So I backed down on the butter, still leaving in ~60% of what was called for. And yes, it was delicious. Soft downy crumb. Crispy flaky crust. Good stuff, people. Good stuff.

Last Week: Tropical Crumble
Next Week: Cornmeal and Fruit Loaf (I got to pick again! And picked something cornmeal related... again - whoops!)

TWD: Carrot Spice Muffins

These muffins. I opened to the page for them late last week, only to realize that this might be the second most splattered and sticky page out of the entire book. (The cream scone recipe wins for dirtiest and most well loved.) There are actually two reasons for this - one is that I love carrot cake, and the other is that the facing page feature my favorite muffin recipe in the book. And it's those coffee break muffins that gave me an idea, three years ago, for how to make carrot spice muffins even more morning glory-ish. Coffee.

Now, I have to be honest. The reason for this substitution? I barely ever have milk in my fridge. We just don't drink it. I'll buy little 8 oz bottles for baking, but the only dairy that's always in the fridge is cream. And I'm not quite brazen enough to make my muffins with cream. But I'm a mere five minutes from good, hot, strong coffee at all times. So for the last three years, I've been making these carrot spice muffins with coffee in them. And guess what? No one ever realizes it. So for those of you who are dairy-averse, that's my suggestion. I mean, you could always use orange juice instead of milk too, but I'm much more of a coffee person than a juice person. Basically, coffee is god for me. Not because of the caffeine, more because I just absolutely love the taste of coffee. I love the smell. I love the ritual of grinding the beans, weighing them out, and carefully steeping.

What, I haven't mentioned my overwhelming addiction to one particular roaster? It's true. One fateful day, five years ago, I was walking around downtown Chicago waiting for the Art Institute to open. I needed a place to sit and read, maybe have a cup of coffee. And god forbid if it was Starbucks, because that stuff tastes like burnt tar. Shitty, shitty burnt tar. Lucky me, I chanced upon one particular Intelligentsia outpost. At that time, they only have their roasting location and two cafes. I was hooked. The baristas were friendly and knowledgeable, and the coffee? There are no words.

So for the next four years, I would stop into their coffee shops to pick up my coffee, developing a love for Ethiopian Yirgacheffe and Honduran La Tortuga. Even now, half a country away, I send friends and acquaintances bean orders whenever they happen to pass through Chicago. And let me tell you - it is so worth it. So have a muffin. Develop an expensive coffee habit. And start the day off right.

Last Week: Cocoa Almond Meringues
Next Week: Tropical Crumble (this... did not go well.)

TWD: Cocoa Almond Meringues

So. Tuesdays with Dorie are occasionally inevitably sliding into Thursdays with Dorie, thanks to a rather confusing summer schedule. I'm not feeling to guilty about this, since after 3.5 years in the group I'm still baking everything. Posting on time? Yeah, I was really good about that for the first three years. Now? Probably not so much. It's enough for me to continue baking, photographing, and talking about all of the recipes as they're chosen.

And hey! I have a very good reason! I just spent a frenetic, crazy, awesome four days in Baltimore visiting my best friend from college and her fiance. Having only been to Baltimore once before for a wedding, I never had the chance to spend much time bopping around the city. But this time was full of excitement - there was a walk around the touristy section of the inner harbor, where great people-watching was to be had thanks to Otakon. Then on to Fort McHenry, a wonderful lunch on the rooftop of a restaurant (my first time using a hammer to take apart crab!), a walk back around the harbor to a wonderful frozen yogurt place (red velvet froyo = amazing), and then back to their apartment. With a quick run out for dinner supplies, we figure we covered 12-13 miles walking on Saturday. Sunday was a bit less overwhelming, with a trip to the farmers market, a walk around Johns Hopkins (they're both doing PhDs there), and a lunch which featured a veggie sandwich containing pickled ginger. Seriously people, I'm putting pickled ginger on every sandwich from now on. It was that good. A trip to an Italian bakery finished out the day. Lots of chatting and catching up throughout and an amazing time was had.

So take that as my excuse for making this more of a ThWD than a TWD. I made these meringues (sans chopped chocolate) a couple weeks ago, causing me to make a certain discovery. My oven tends to run hot, so the hour of baking at a lower temperature still managed to burn the bottoms of some of my meringues. Given that, if your oven runs hot, I would suggest only baking one tray at a time or making sure to switch trays around during baking to avoid burning. Other than that, they were wonderful - the almost burnt ones were crispy, and the top tray was full of meringues with the most beguiling chewy center topped with an airy crisp. Like I said, wonderful.


Last Week: Chocolate Sorbet (upon reflection, this should not have been halved. don't make my mistake.)
Next Week: Carrot Spice Muffins (so, so good. I'm excited to make these again!)

TWD: Chocolate Sorbet

I must be crazy. Many bloggers who parlay their blogging into a career go one of two directions - they write a book or they start their own business. From Homeroom to Plate to Pixel, you see success everywhere in the blogosphere nowadays. Now, it's 100% because they worked their asses off, put everything on the line, and had amazing talent and drive. You can't be jealous of them. You can only be in awe of their motivation, their success, their passion. And those who are in the restaurant business and writing about it? They scare the living daylights out of me at the same time that they are inspiring me. How does that even work?

I must be crazy. I don't know if I'm in the minority here, but I see those success stories, those tales from the trenches, and I can't get one thing out of my head. For each of those successes, there are dozens of people who strive, day in and day out, but never get that lucky break. They quit their job, start a bakery, and end up thousands of dollars in debt with nothing to show for it. They submit pitch after pitch to editors and are continually rejected. Me? I'm pretty positive I'd be one of the latter. If, that is, I even made that leap. Which is highly unlikely. Why? Because that's not how I would define success and happiness for myself. Where others want to use their blogs to get the chance to demo recipes on tv, to write articles for the newspaper or a website - I'd be ecstatic if I ended up as a cog in the wheel. Because for every bright and shiny talent, I figure that there needs to be people like me. People who would love to just get shit done that needs getting done. Not the exciting things, definitely not the bolt of lightning brilliant ideas.

I must be crazy. Who actually enjoys the day-in-day-out slog? I've had conversations with friends about this, because well, we're engineers. And as engineering students, we were told over and over that we had the ability to be entrepreneurial! To be revolutionary! Going to interviews, we were told that we must brand ourselves as self starters, as independent thinkers, as movers-and-shakers. No one ever told us that those aren't the people that actually get shit done. For every person with a brilliant idea, dozens of others must be there at every step along the way. Making task lists, making timelines, determining production realities and efficiencies. Troubleshooting, as that brilliant idea needs some major work before it's red carpet-ready.

I must be crazy. Because every time I see people out there, making their dreams come true, I cheer them on. But on the inside, I'm just glad to be out there, working 8 to 5, and coming home to dinner and a scoop of chocolate sorbet. Yep, that's exciting enough for me.

Last Week: Chestnut Scones, but I made Melting Chocolate Meringues
Next Week: Cocoa Almond Meringues (don't bake these for the full hour at the bottom of your oven. switch the sheets so they burn. who knew?)

Melting Chocolate Meringues

I hit the second half of my twenties last Friday, and you know what? Meh. Really, the most exciting part was investigating the iPad2 a fellow traveler next to me had. For, you know, when I'm not poor anymore. Grad school is not where the money's at. But hey! Having fellow travelers means that I was going to / coming back from somewhere, right? Right! Colorado is a veerrry nice place to spend a couple days, I have to say. While J was bemoaning the humid 100*F heat they had in Chapel Hill last Tuesday, I had a very respectable high temperature of 85*F with minimal humidity in Boulder. With rain! Full-on thunderstorms! Given that NC is in a drought currently, this was much more exciting than it really should have been.

Oh, and look! Cookies! Because J always tends towards cookies, it was fitting that my dad's note on this birthday gift was "This is probably more for J than for you." I'm much more of a cake and frosting sort of person. Which means whoopie pies basically have a lifetime of -0.003243 seconds in this apartment. But when I want to bake but don't want to directly apply butter to my ass, I make cookies for J. So the day after getting this book as a present, I decided to finally do something about the stash of egg whites in my fridge. Not that it helps deplete the stash in my freezer, but still. Progress.

Just a couple notes about these cookies. Room temperature egg whites definitely whip up with more volume, and to help them out, stick with metal or glass bowls rather than plastic ones which are more difficult to get squeaky clean (and fat free). On the subject of ridiculous kitchen mistakes, don't triple the amount of sugar because you read the amount of nuts instead of sugar. It doesn't lead anywhere good, which made me very glad that I had such a large stockpile of eggs in my fridge. Whoops? Mine baked for 7-8 minutes, on the low end of her suggested baking time, and are fudgier (Blogger tries to correct this to "pudgier." Blogger would probably be correct.) than you might expect meringues to be thanks to the amount of cocoa butter. They are a definite win in J's book, in case you were wondering. After a bite or two, even I was a bit swayed towards them, although they will never replace my love of cream cheese frosting. Cream cheese frosting 4 ever!

Your eyes do not mistake you - I didn't make this week's TWD (chestnut scones) due to the complete dearth of chestnut flour near me. I'm not really prepared to purchase a couple pounds when I barely need any for the recipe, and I already have a dozen or two of scones in my freezer ready for impromptu breakfasts. I'll be back next week with a lovely chocolate sorbet though!
 
Melting Chocolate Meringues
adapted from Alice Medrich's Chewy Gooey Crispy Crunchy Melt-in-your-mouth Cookies

6 oz bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
60 g egg whites (approximately 2 egg whites), at room temperature
1/8 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
pinch of salt
1/4 cup sugar (not 3/4 cup, like I tried the first time. That... doesn't work so well)
3/4 cup almonds

Preheat the oven to 350*F and move racks to the upper and lower thirds of the oven. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Toast the almonds in the preheating oven, 10-15 minutes or until you can smell them. Let them cool before roughly chopping them. Set aside.

Melt the chocolate - you can use a microwave or a double boiler, but I just set the chocolate directly in a pot over medium-low heat. Keep an eye on it so that it doesn't burn. When it is almost completely melted, take the pot off the heat and stir until smooth. Set aside to cool.

In a large (metal or glass - not plastic) bowl, beat the egg whites with the cream of tartar, vanilla, and salt. Once they reach a soft peak stage, continue beating while slowly adding the sugar. Stop once they are glossy and firm but not dry. Pour in the almonds and chocolate and carefully fold together until no streaks of egg white or chocolate remain.

You can't let this batter sit, so portion out tablespoons of batter (I used a small cookie scoop) onto the cookie sheets, leaving an inch between each one. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until the tops look dry but are still quite fragile to the touch. Rotate the cookie sheets about halfway into the baking, top to bottom and front to back. Transfer the parchment paper with the cookies on it to cooling racks and let cool completely before storing. They are good for (at least) 2-3 days.

Makes ~30 cookies